You All Know What You're Here For
Channel 51. Stiff of the Week. An actual autopsy in real time performed by the maestro of the dissecting table. Dr. Gunter P. Doyle, Senior Medical Examiner for the County of Pescarora, North Carolina. Dr. Doyle has determined the cause of death in over 4,000 cadavers. Today we have the corpse of a thirty-six year old Caucasian male found dead under suspicious circumstances.
Channel 67. Complete Makeover. Deborah, a cashier at the Tonopah Lucky 7 Dream Ranch, has been unhappy since childhood because of her swarthy looks, her bulbous nose, her exothalamic eyes, her thin and somewhat sinister lips, bad knees, pot belly, small breasts, stubby fingers, a tendency to drool while staring into space, to sum it up an astonishing absence of positive physical attributes. Her dream man is Chuck, the night manager at the Dream Ranch, who in Deborah's words "looks just like the President—but with lips!" Over the next twelve months, the sullen, resentful Deborah in this photograph will be transformed, at a cost of over $200,000, courtesy of Complete Makeover, into
Channel 12. Kali, Destroyer of Worlds. You can order the complete series, "Masters of Annihilation," by sending your check or money order
Channel 44. Shark Attack.
Channel 45. Sharks of the Metric Island Coral Reef.
Channel 46. Shark Week.
Channel 201. Who Wants To Marry A Compulsive Gambler?
Channel 37. Court TV. It's the third week in this trial of a Fresno man accused of killing nine of his own children and three of his grandchildren, which authorities suspect he fathered by his own daughters. People in this relatively crime-free California city have described Cyrus Webster as "disagreeable," "vicious," "deranged," and "someone they could well believe is guilty of everything he's charged with." But Quentin Webster, who hasn't seen his dad in several years, paints a different picture of the man now being called 'The Monster of Fresno,' and 'Fresno's Greatest Tourist Asset.'
Channel 20. Dark Secrets of Paraguay. Neuva Germania turned out to be quite a different place than what Bernt Foster and his strange wife had promised the new settlers.
Channel 93. Dark Secrets of the Actor's Studio. It was only three years after making that rather terrifying film that you were charged with killing your wife outside an Italian restaurant on a dark street in Northridge. How did that make you feel?
Channel 51. Dr. Doyle now makes the crucial so-called "Y incision," carefully parting the rib cage to examine the condition of the internal organs.
Channel 62. Paid Advertisement. Is it true Bob that this machine will steam vegetables while it roasts that chicken?
Channel 87. Paid Advertisement. Almost any cell phone can do e-mail and take photographs. But how many do you know that can also be used without risk as a personal vibrator?
Channel 11. Why settle for what losers drive? Lexus. Starting at $70,000. Five percent down, seven and a half percent APR.
Channel 12. Movie Channel. Kids, if we don't make it out of here, and we will, I hope you know that I love you. We will make it out, dad. God will get us out of this. You still believe in God, don't you dad?
Channel 205. Movie Channel. Are you telling me I'm already dead and this is, what, a bad dream or something? Ask yourself that question, not me. Consult the oracle of your mind's eye.
Channel 4. News at 7. The wall around Israel collapsed at three different locations this morning when a coordinated series of suicide bombers
Channel 16. Stop suffering. Stop staying at home out of fear. Stop living in shame and embarrassment. Ask your doctor about
Channel 666. Christian Gun Club. And as Jesus tells us in the Bible, I come as a scourge upon Mankind, a sword to smite down the Heathen, raise the righteous dead from the tomb and flay those who oppose Me until they are dead themselves and sent to the eternal flames and excrements of Hell. When the Jews heard Jesus speaking thus, their priests and voodoo priestesses approached the Caliph Pontius Pilate and saith there is a false prophet brooding athwart the land, spreading unrest and subversion amonst thy subjects. The blood thirst of the Jews
Channel 18. Counterpunch. As per usual the blame-America-first brigade has been making hay over this tragic accident, which could just as easily have happened under Clinton, who by the way had sex with an intern and lied about it unlike our current president and furthermore did nothing to protect this country's nuclear facilities, and I might also point out, this is i}ie first accident of this magnitude since Three Mile Island, which is a pretty impressive safety record despite the tragic
Channel 59. Home Shopping. Just what are we looking at Edna? This beautifully crafted object is a .357 Magnum with nickel plating around the trigger and safety lock, Jean. It's an adorable gift for that special man in your life, your son, your daughter. The kickback on the .357 is pretty powerful but it stops intruders dead in their tracks, and I mean dead. The bullet goes in the size of a dime and leaves an exit wound the size of a basketball
Channel 5. News at Seven. Another mysterious envelope coated with radioactive cesium—nnngggh—I can't read this, oh god, excuse me, another mysterious envelope—he he he he—no, really, I mean what's so mysterious about it, next week's the election—what, we're cut off? That four second delay thing? Fine, okay, the hell with it
Channel 4. News at Seven. What we seem to be looking at is an economy that has completely recovered without creating a single job and from which a vast majority of Americans are excluded. In other words, an economic miracle
Channel 15, Sharia Law Dating Club.
Channel 38. French Cuisine/or the Blind. Now, I want you to feel your way over to the tarragon, perhaps you can catch where its scent is coming from
Channel 12. Bomb Shelter Love Nest. You'll have to keep in mind that a bomb shelter needs to be elegant as well as practical. You may be in the bomb shelter for a very long time, and today's lifestyle demands are considerably different than those of a typical 1950s family. Our five gay bomb shelter consultants
Channel 71. Who Wants To Marry A Hindu Fundamentalist Millionaire?
Channel 86. Movie Channel. I'm afraid Benjy isn't coming back, kids. He's gone to Dog Heaven. But just remember that he died saving you from the aliens. Because he loved you the same way I love you. Well was it Benjy or was it GOD, dad? Did Benjy really save us or did GOD save us? Well kids I guess you could say it was a little bit of both. Or maybe Benjy really was God, have you thought about that? Benjy, God? God spelled backwards is
Channel 51. Dr. Doyle has determined the cause of death. Finally the enigma of the man with the missing thumb outside the convenience store has been solved. Now Pescarora County police will have a profile of the killer as distinct as a fingerprint.
Channel 67. The great thing is that she's still Deborah. She's the Debby I've known all my life but she's really happy now. I mean she's Debby and she's not Debby, I don't know how to put it. She's like Debby Plus, or Debby the way Debby was always supposed to be—for me it's like the Debby inside has finally come outside into the light. My philosophy is, keep moving towards the light. If we all kept moving towards the light the way we're supposed to, this whole world would be a different place. Maybe now she will find love and frankly I think she could do a little better than Chuck, the way she looks now. Love is what it's all about, right? We all know what we're here for.
Channel 51. Stiff of the Week. An actual autopsy in real time performed by the maestro of the dissecting table. Dr. Gunter P. Doyle, Senior Medical Examiner for the County of Pescarora, North Carolina. Dr. Doyle has determined the cause of death in over 4,000 cadavers. Today we have the corpse of a thirty-six year old Caucasian male found dead under suspicious circumstances.
Channel 67. Complete Makeover. Deborah, a cashier at the Tonopah Lucky 7 Dream Ranch, has been unhappy since childhood because of her swarthy looks, her bulbous nose, her exothalamic eyes, her thin and somewhat sinister lips, bad knees, pot belly, small breasts, stubby fingers, a tendency to drool while staring into space, to sum it up an astonishing absence of positive physical attributes. Her dream man is Chuck, the night manager at the Dream Ranch, who in Deborah's words "looks just like the President—but with lips!" Over the next twelve months, the sullen, resentful Deborah in this photograph will be transformed, at a cost of over $200,000, courtesy of Complete Makeover, into
Channel 12. Kali, Destroyer of Worlds. You can order the complete series, "Masters of Annihilation," by sending your check or money order
Channel 44. Shark Attack.
Channel 45. Sharks of the Metric Island Coral Reef.
Channel 46. Shark Week.
Channel 201. Who Wants To Marry A Compulsive Gambler?
Channel 37. Court TV. It's the third week in this trial of a Fresno man accused of killing nine of his own children and three of his grandchildren, which authorities suspect he fathered by his own daughters. People in this relatively crime-free California city have described Cyrus Webster as "disagreeable," "vicious," "deranged," and "someone they could well believe is guilty of everything he's charged with." But Quentin Webster, who hasn't seen his dad in several years, paints a different picture of the man now being called 'The Monster of Fresno,' and 'Fresno's Greatest Tourist Asset.'
Channel 20. Dark Secrets of Paraguay. Neuva Germania turned out to be quite a different place than what Bernt Foster and his strange wife had promised the new settlers.
Channel 93. Dark Secrets of the Actor's Studio. It was only three years after making that rather terrifying film that you were charged with killing your wife outside an Italian restaurant on a dark street in Northridge. How did that make you feel?
Channel 51. Dr. Doyle now makes the crucial so-called "Y incision," carefully parting the rib cage to examine the condition of the internal organs.
Channel 62. Paid Advertisement. Is it true Bob that this machine will steam vegetables while it roasts that chicken?
Channel 87. Paid Advertisement. Almost any cell phone can do e-mail and take photographs. But how many do you know that can also be used without risk as a personal vibrator?
Channel 11. Why settle for what losers drive? Lexus. Starting at $70,000. Five percent down, seven and a half percent APR.
Channel 12. Movie Channel. Kids, if we don't make it out of here, and we will, I hope you know that I love you. We will make it out, dad. God will get us out of this. You still believe in God, don't you dad?
Channel 205. Movie Channel. Are you telling me I'm already dead and this is, what, a bad dream or something? Ask yourself that question, not me. Consult the oracle of your mind's eye.
Channel 4. News at 7. The wall around Israel collapsed at three different locations this morning when a coordinated series of suicide bombers
Channel 16. Stop suffering. Stop staying at home out of fear. Stop living in shame and embarrassment. Ask your doctor about
Channel 666. Christian Gun Club. And as Jesus tells us in the Bible, I come as a scourge upon Mankind, a sword to smite down the Heathen, raise the righteous dead from the tomb and flay those who oppose Me until they are dead themselves and sent to the eternal flames and excrements of Hell. When the Jews heard Jesus speaking thus, their priests and voodoo priestesses approached the Caliph Pontius Pilate and saith there is a false prophet brooding athwart the land, spreading unrest and subversion amonst thy subjects. The blood thirst of the Jews
Channel 18. Counterpunch. As per usual the blame-America-first brigade has been making hay over this tragic accident, which could just as easily have happened under Clinton, who by the way had sex with an intern and lied about it unlike our current president and furthermore did nothing to protect this country's nuclear facilities, and I might also point out, this is i}ie first accident of this magnitude since Three Mile Island, which is a pretty impressive safety record despite the tragic
Channel 59. Home Shopping. Just what are we looking at Edna? This beautifully crafted object is a .357 Magnum with nickel plating around the trigger and safety lock, Jean. It's an adorable gift for that special man in your life, your son, your daughter. The kickback on the .357 is pretty powerful but it stops intruders dead in their tracks, and I mean dead. The bullet goes in the size of a dime and leaves an exit wound the size of a basketball
Channel 5. News at Seven. Another mysterious envelope coated with radioactive cesium—nnngggh—I can't read this, oh god, excuse me, another mysterious envelope—he he he he—no, really, I mean what's so mysterious about it, next week's the election—what, we're cut off? That four second delay thing? Fine, okay, the hell with it
Channel 4. News at Seven. What we seem to be looking at is an economy that has completely recovered without creating a single job and from which a vast majority of Americans are excluded. In other words, an economic miracle
Channel 15, Sharia Law Dating Club.
Channel 38. French Cuisine/or the Blind. Now, I want you to feel your way over to the tarragon, perhaps you can catch where its scent is coming from
Channel 12. Bomb Shelter Love Nest. You'll have to keep in mind that a bomb shelter needs to be elegant as well as practical. You may be in the bomb shelter for a very long time, and today's lifestyle demands are considerably different than those of a typical 1950s family. Our five gay bomb shelter consultants
Channel 71. Who Wants To Marry A Hindu Fundamentalist Millionaire?
Channel 86. Movie Channel. I'm afraid Benjy isn't coming back, kids. He's gone to Dog Heaven. But just remember that he died saving you from the aliens. Because he loved you the same way I love you. Well was it Benjy or was it GOD, dad? Did Benjy really save us or did GOD save us? Well kids I guess you could say it was a little bit of both. Or maybe Benjy really was God, have you thought about that? Benjy, God? God spelled backwards is
Channel 51. Dr. Doyle has determined the cause of death. Finally the enigma of the man with the missing thumb outside the convenience store has been solved. Now Pescarora County police will have a profile of the killer as distinct as a fingerprint.
Channel 67. The great thing is that she's still Deborah. She's the Debby I've known all my life but she's really happy now. I mean she's Debby and she's not Debby, I don't know how to put it. She's like Debby Plus, or Debby the way Debby was always supposed to be—for me it's like the Debby inside has finally come outside into the light. My philosophy is, keep moving towards the light. If we all kept moving towards the light the way we're supposed to, this whole world would be a different place. Maybe now she will find love and frankly I think she could do a little better than Chuck, the way she looks now. Love is what it's all about, right? We all know what we're here for.
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